Love’s Merciful Response to Repentance

On By kingvision1717In Heartbeats

Photo by Liam Pozz on Unsplash

Psalm 103:1-8
King James Version
103 Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.

2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:

3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;

4 Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;

5 Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The Lord executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.

7 He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.

8 The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.

Benefits of Being Together With JESUS

Our souls are indeed blessed by the Lord for what He has accomplished in His death on the cross, His burial in the tomb for 3 days, and His resurrection from the dead. We are told not to forget all His benefits, so we’re to remember the goodness of the Lord in what He gives to each one of us. We discover He forgives, heals, redeems, crowns, satisfies and renews, and brings about good to us when oppressed. We learn about the character of our Lord in that He is merciful, gracious, slow to anger, and abundant in mercy.

Why then do we often desire the things of the world more than all our needs being met by our precious Lord?

Rewards for Remaining Connected in JESUS

John 15:1-17
New International Version
The Vine and the Branches
15 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other.


By remaining in JESUS, we are able to bear good fruit in our lives. By remaining in JESUS, our ABBA, FATHER who is the GARDENER prunes us to bear even more good fruit that will bless our lives and those around us that we care about. By remaining in JESUS, we are already purified by His Word spoken to us. By remaining in JESUS, we can make requests for what we need so they are answered by our ABBA, FATHER in Heaven according to HIS will, timing, and way… By remaining in JESUS, we bear good fruit that glorifies GOD the FATHER and prove we are JESUS’ disciples. By remaining in JESUS, we abide in His perfect love that will cast out all fears and doubts and will establish us in having complete joy in the Lord for a lifetime. By remaining in JESUS, we obey His command to love others and He will not just call us servants, but become His friends and be able to bear good fruit that will last here on earth and onward into Heaven. By remaining in JESUS, we may request anything in His name (that I believe are the things GOD desires for us to have that are according to HIS Word and in HIS will that are not asked with wrong motive or to spend on our pleasures James 4:3) and it will be given to us by our ABBA, FATHER in Heaven.



Why then would we stray or willfully go away from our precious Lord?

Problems with Promiscuity of Sexual Sin Separates to be far from JESUS

Isaiah 59:1-2
King James Version
Behold, the Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear:

2 But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear.

There are many sins that people can get stuck in. One of them is sexual sin. It is a sin that the Word of GOD warns about because it states that it is a sin against one’s own body.

1 Corinthians 6:18-20
New International Version
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Personal Stronghold of Sin

Sexual sin is what the enemy was able to form a stronghold in me when I was a youth that he could use to war against my heart, soul, mind, and body that was supposed to be pure and holy and set apart to glorify GOD, to abide in JESUS, and to be used by the Holy Spirit instead. However, I utterly failed miserably in this area. GOD the FATHER chose to discipline me because HE loved me rather than let me continue in this sin that would have led to my untimely death. HE chose to show me love’s mercy so that I wouldn’t miss out on Heaven had HE not intervened. Though this sin is embarrassing to talk about and I’ve suffered greatly from the guilt, shame, and scars, I promised GOD that I would share my testimony so that sinners like me may turn back to HIM to be forgiven of their sins, to be rescued for the promise of eternity spent in Heaven, to be revived in their hearts, to be restored in their souls, to be renewed in their minds, and to be redeemed with new purpose and vision for the rest of their lives.

My Testimony: Returning in Repentance to be Revived, Restored, Renewed, Refreshed, and Redeemed…

I was born in Illinois.  When I was 2 years old, I had a seizure due to having a high temperature.  The hospital staff couldn’t get the temperature to drop down. I was given an ice bath as a last ditch effort and my fever broke.  I wonder if this had negative effects on my brain in the area of thinking and processing information as well as a bent toward being fearful.

When I was about 3 years old I can remember my dad holding me and I looked down the hall of our small house into my younger sister’s room and saw a dark shadow at the window.  I instantly thought of it being a monster.  Another time when I was sleeping in my room, I awoke from having a nightmare and tried to scream for my mom and I couldn’t get any sound out of my mouth for her to even hear me.  These are my earliest recollections of how I developed a spirit of fear.  The enemy would use fear in my life to hinder my growth as a person.

When I was 4 years old, I had left eye surgery to shorten the muscle so it wouldn’t have as much of a pronounced strabismus (crossed eye).  After surgery, I woke up in a large room sitting up on a metal table with the room filled with other metal tables.  I was scared to be left there all alone.  However, my parents soon came into the room to get me.  While in recovery, there was a fire that started in the hospital and we had to evacuate.  I believe the enemy has been at it to take out my existence my entire life.

My dad transferred jobs with the telephone company several times growing up.  Our first move was when I was 10 years old. It was difficult for me due to moving away from my grandparents, uncle, aunt, and cousins that I had grown close to.  It was even more difficult to go to a new school with kids I hadn’t grown up with.  All the little confidence I had slipped away. I played basketball on a team that year.  The coach had us over at his house and showed us a movie that had nudity.  The enemy used this to increase my curiosity of lusting for a woman’s beauty in an unhealthy way.

Then I moved before even finishing 5th grade to Texas.  I lived there until my freshman year of high school. I, now, dealt with being even more shy and fearful around new kids.  When I was 11 years old, I went to spend the night over at a friend’s house.  He showed me playboy magazines which were of naked women.  My impressionable young mind now could imagine what women looked like and I was drawn into lust even more.  The enemy, satan, would use this to steal from me while in sexual sin that became rampant in my life. 

I developed a disliking of being around people.  I became more of an introvert whereas I used to be more outgoing and confident. I felt I could never get too close and trust anyone knowing the loss I felt from every move.  I was also depressed and carried anger within me for having moved from my birthplace where I had been close to extended family and the kids I had grown up with in my early formative years.

I would move again to Missouri and lived there during my sophomore year until graduating from the community college.  There was a girl, a year younger than me, that would talk to me while we rode on the bus to school each day during high school.  On one particular day, she opened up to me about being raped by her uncle. All of a sudden, my selfish “about only me and my problems” burst to nothing bigger than this, and I told her I would help her go tell her mom and go with her to counseling.  She wrote me a letter the next day telling me thank you, but that she was able to tell her mom and that she would be going to counseling on her own.  From that moment, GOD opened my heart and I had the desire to help other people.  Whenever I went to my best friend’s house in a trailer park, I would check on how the kids in the neighborhood were doing.  I once overheard a rumor that one of the cheerleaders at my high school was thinking of committing suicide.  I went over to her house and let her know I was there for her if she ever needed to talk.  

I got jobs working for the city during the summers in being a camp counselor and later the camp director working with children.  I enjoyed the opportunity to encourage kids the most I think since my dad didn’t encourage me with his words.  Then my high school counselor asked my mom if I’d be interested in helping an emotionally disabled boy as a mentor and a tutor because she thought I would be good at it.  I would work with him in his home for 2 years and see him grow in confidence and self-esteem.  I believed I could make a positive difference in people’s lives after this experience. GOD was beginning to soften my heart in many ways.

When I was in college, I had my first girlfriend who I dated for a year before she moved back to her home country.  I didn’t think I could be loved by someone. She wanted to get married, but my thinking was that she wasn’t a believer even though I wasn’t really either -just knew of HIM. I was only 19 and I couldn’t think of going to her country, meeting her parents, and bringing her back to the U.S. Then I dated my second girlfriend. We actually sought out a church to attend. However, I eventually broke off the relationship due to me being immature and lost without an identity.  It was, then, when I was 20 that I cried out to GOD to help me.  I began seeking HIM for direction and for an identity.  While attending a particular church, I was drawn to the worship music/songs.  I went forward to tell the pastor I wanted JESUS to be the Lord of my life.  He prayed with me and I was changed with having better self-esteem, more confidence, and even peace in my life that I hadn’t had.  

However, after a year, I moved away to attend the university further from home to live on my own for the first time.  I wasn’t attending church anymore and I went back to watching women lustfully in rated R movies.  I would go to dance clubs on the weekends to try and break free from my shyness.  I was wandering far from JESUS and could sense that I was losing touch with Him.  I was drawn away by my own lust in my heart. I would soon become depressed that would eventually lead me into having negative thoughts about myself and I developed fears that GOD was not working in my life anymore and that hell awaited. I attended a church for a short time and got baptized.  I would still stray from the Lord.  I started not eating well until I wasn’t eating at all. At one point one of my professors reached out to me to see if I wanted to be a consultant with him.  I turned him down.  I know he was just trying to care for me since he saw me losing weight and I was looking down and out by now.  There was also a girl that invited me to a Christian fellowship on campus.  I turned her down. GOD reached out to me through these two people who cared for me, but I was too shortsighted by the darkness of my sin.  It was everything I could do to graduate from the university with a bachelor’s degree. That was the only hope it seemed I was holding onto not realizing how much help I really needed. After I graduated, I finally admitted I needed help. I called my mom and told her I wasn’t doing well and those were the only words I could get out.  She told me my dad would come get me.  He drove over 800 miles from Texas to Illinois. After he arrived at my apartment, he laid down on the couch to sleep.  I struggled in the worst way that night and was fighting suicidal thoughts.  I thought of drowning myself in the bathtub. Instead, I walked right past my dad and left the apartment and just started walking away to end my life.  I walked across the street and into an open field for quite awhile. All of a sudden, swarms of mosquitoes came all around me and I thought GOD might be trying to get me to turn back.  Yet, I decided to continue walking further from the apartment more determined that I had no other choice.  Pride comes before a fall. I ended up at a junkyard of broken down vehicles.  I sat in one of the empty car shells next to a creek that my inner life mirrored exactly. I wrestled with whether I was going to end my life or not.  Toward morning, I attempted to end my life.  I was unsuccessful and got up on my feet and started walking back to my apartment.  A man pulled up in his car offering to give me a ride and drove me to my apartment -was it an angel?  My dad brought me back to Texas.

I was then admitted into a psychiatric hospital soon after in late May or beginning of June 1996.  I was diagnosed with a mental illness.  One night while lying down on the bed, I heard deep breathing enter the room, but didn’t see anyone.  I thought of the part of 1 Peter 5:8 that says my adversary the devil walketh about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. Fear took over me and dread filled within me.  I knew I was in utmost danger of being overtaken. I quickly prayed, calling on Jesus’ name to save me.  Then satan left the room and I started to have a little faith in the Lord again.  One of the days during my stay, a psych tech came over to talk with me and another patient.  She was like an angel to me sharing encouraging words.  I began to feel hopeful that I could get better.

I would be released from the hospital and stayed with my dad and mom.  I hadn’t yet fully repented of my past sin.  I believe GOD warned me of this one night when I heard startling howls of more than one creature louder than wolves so piercing that dread filled within and I had the thought that they were the “hounds of hell.”  This would be my wake-up call to turn away from my sin and truly repent.

I slowly would recover enough of my senses that I returned to work. I was a waiter and a substitute teacher and did that for some time.  I started going to church and attended the single’s group.  I went on mission trips to Mexico for 3 summers that GOD would use in my life to grow my desire to serve HIM and work within me again to grow in faith.  I started dating a single mom of a little girl for quite awhile.  Then I got a job serving at a faith based children’s shelter and did extra shifts at the youth shelter. I grew in my faith working with abused and neglected kids.  I would pray with them at night and tell them that when GOD took away their nightmares, remember to thank HIM.  They were excited when GOD would answer and they learned HE was real. I remember a time when I got really weak physically and my mom and my girlfriend took me to the doctor.  I began to feel like I was fading away and I heard my mom and my girlfriend trying to help me with their words to stay with them.  After that incident and some time had passed, my girlfriend’s mom came to talk with me and gave an ultimatum to decide whether I was going to marry her daughter or end the relationship. I would end the relationship.

While being a residential care counselor at the emergency shelter, the schedule was for 4 days on and 3 days off.  In between shifts, I would pray for the kids with another worker named Tami. GOD began to draw Tami and I together through prayer times together.  She didn’t have a car and one day she asked if I could take her to get new shoes.  After this, we started hanging out and spending time together. When I had told her I had broken off my relationship with my girlfriend, she was sad for me, but also glad in a sense that GOD had told Tami prior to this that she would marry me.  We would indeed get married and we thought we might become missionaries.  We would resign from our positions at the emergency shelter.

On our honeymoon, we met a homeless man and offered to buy him dinner.  It seemed alright at first.  However, the waitress talked to him at one point and referred to him as satan.  I instantly began to feel the trepidation of fear come over me. I had to get up and I went to the restroom. I felt similar to how I’d felt a long while back as if I was fading away and would succumb to this weakness.  I returned and we finished eating the food and left.  I had lost all confidence in the faith the Lord had built up in me.  I was struggling to say the least. 

Upon returning from our honeymoon, I remember my mom and Tami sitting on a bed with me and the police talking with me. Then I remember my dad and Tami sitting with me while I awaited entering the psych hospital a second time in 2000. I had a lot more fear this time around.  I remember being on what I thought was the lowest floor in the hospital.  I remember someone that was not a nurse holding a vile of blood that made me fearful.  Then I looked over and saw a tall man in all black standing over in a corner.  I had the thought that I was going to be placed over in the room with him. I felt as though I knew he had evil intentions toward me if that was the case.  However, I was moved to stay on one of the upper floors of the hospital because I looked out of the window and saw the parking lot further down. When I was in my room, I remember hearing people laughing and my thought was that these were believers I knew and they were glad that I was locked up.  I never felt so alone.  Tami would visit me often.  One time we were in the open room and I looked over at two guys talking and looking our way.  I was hypersensitive spiritually.  I felt that they had ill intentions toward my wife.  However, they seemed upset that they couldn’t hurt her.  In my mind, I thought that she was part of GOD’s inner court and I was on the outer court.  I remember a time during my stay, one of those guys went into a locked room and started yelling and beating a wall.  I thought in my mind he was angry at me.  When I was in my room, I remember someone coming into my room like they were going to be a roommate, but then left.  I thought in my mind he was stealing from me spiritually.  Then there was a girl while there that would scream off and on.  She came to me to tell me something and I couldn’t understand what she meant.  In my mind, I thought she seemed to be blaming me for something that was happening.  Another time, I was standing in a hallway and I saw several people walk by who were disfigured.  I thought in my mind that they were being released and would be set free by GOD’s mercy.  I remember a time, after getting up one morning, that I looked at a newspaper headline and it showed a famous person had died, but the date was many years in the future.  I remember getting even more fearful when I noticed the bars on the windows and felt that this time I wasn’t getting out of the hospital.  With my faith depleted and barely holding onto any hope, I felt what it would feel like to be trapped with no way out and only hell awaited.  I felt what it would feel like to be left behind after the Lord returns.  Then one night, I heard a lot of commotion in a room.  My thoughts were of the two guys I had mentioned earlier and the girl who had screamed off and on were getting things ready to torture me and I had no way out.  All I could do was pray.  During my hospital stay, I also struggled with whether to eat or not.  I often thought I had to fast in order to move the heart of GOD. This wrestling over whether to eat or not plagued me.

Then one day, Tami came and I was able to leave the hospital.  I was still so weak in physical strength and even weaker in spiritual faith.  A christian family who knew Tami let us stay in an empty house that they were selling.  A co-worker from the emergency shelter brought over food and drinks. At this point, I had a fear of eating and drinking and felt I needed to fast.  I remember one night that I heard winged demonic creatures landing on the roof of the house as if their claws were digging in.  I remember praying for GOD’s protection. I don’t know how long we were in this house, but another Christian family that Tami knew took us into their home and gave us a room.  I felt so far from the Lord.  I was struggling with how I could get back to Him.  I remember one night I was so overcome with fear that I felt as though the floor would open and I would be swallowed up.  Even though we were safe, I didn’t feel that way.  Tami and I would take walks in the neighborhood and I was so weak and so far from where I needed to be with the Lord.  When I was outside I felt like I was outside of GOD’s love so it didn’t feel freeing at all where even the air felt restricting.  

Over some time, I would gain back strength and have the desire to work again.  I did some substitute teaching. Then I worked in a different emergency shelter for abused and neglected children.  I remember doing well enough in my faith walk that I led a teenager to Christ.  Then I applied to three different schools to be a teacher asking GOD to open one door, and HE was faithful to do so and I became a junior high special education teacher and a coach.  Tami and I soon had a new apartment.  She miscarried a child we named Jonathan early on. We were attending church and we were part of a home group.  After about a year attending, I prayed to recommit my life to JESUS this time with more of an understanding of what JESUS had accomplished on the cross for me and with fuller repentance of my sins.  I started serving in the children’s ministry.  We had our daughter, Joy, and becoming a dad changed my life for sure.  I quit coaching to be home more for her.  When I did so, GOD allowed me to be in charge of an after school reading program and to teach in it so I got paid to be the coordinator and a teacher.  I was paid more than if I had stayed with coaching. I would go on an extended mission trip to Ecuador during the summer for 15 days and serve with orphans and disabled children there.  It was a special time with the Lord and serving Him meant so much to me.

My Grandpa had Parkinson’s disease.  When I was attending church after my first hospital stay, we had a Bible study about taking care of our elders.  I remember telling GOD that if my Grandpa ever got worse, I would move to go help take care of him.  I told Tami and she agreed that we would go help him.  We moved to Florida and I became a junior high special education teacher there.  I would help my Grandpa in the morning and at night.  I helped him until he went to an assisted living center and passed the third year we lived there. We also had Josiah and our twin boys Jeremiah and Jacob while in Florida.

We attended church while living in Florida. I served in the children’s ministry. One of the churches we attended participated in the Samaritan’s Purse Operation Christmas Child.  We chose to give 3 gifts and put our address and family picture inside.  We prayed that GOD would send it where HE wanted.  The gifts were received by a pastor in India and given to his 3 children.  He wrote back wanting to continue correspondence. By this time, GOD had given me a heart for orphans.  I was writing poems in being a voice for orphans.  On one occasion, I wrote to the pastor in India asking if there were orphans in the area.  He wrote back stating that he took care of 10 orphans and another pastor took care of another 10 orphans.  We were soon supporting this pastor in helping him feed and clothe the orphans.  K.O.R.E. ministry was birthed in 2004.  Currently we support 2 pastors who are caring for 74 orphans through K.O.R.E. India Mission.  

I went on a mission trip again to an Eastern European country to visit orphans through a ministry that one of the older couples started in one of the churches we attended.  The first part of the trip was good.  I made it to one of the orphan homes to stay for a time.  However, I woke up in a nightmare and looked out the tinted window.  The moon was full and blood red.  I prayed and went back to sleep, but the fear would linger.  I went on a train to visit another ministry on my way to a Christian orphan camp.  While I rode the train, I felt alone and struggled spiritually.  I could feel how heavily oppressed this country was in and I was negatively affected by its spiritual darkness.  When I arrived to stay at the next home, I was overcome with fear again.  This time I felt their judgement of me and that I was offending them by being there.  It wasn’t in my heart at all to be that way, but I felt I must leave the next day.  Two men and their wives took me out to eat.  One of the men had a bloodshot eye and said out loud a threatening statement I knew was directed at me. I got up and went and sat outside of the restaurant on the curb. The next morning, I left and made it to the next stop of another ministry.  This time, when I attended the Bible study, the teacher was clearly teaching the Bible in an incorrect way, and I was appalled.  It seemed to me there was a missionary family staying there too.  I remember looking around and wondering why everyone was sitting there listening to this blatantly false teaching. I couldn’t take it any longer and walked outside and began praying.  I remember later being in my room and the missionary dad coming over to stand by me as I looked out the window.  He pointed in one direction and I heard a gunshot and then he walked away. That certainly didn’t help my elevated fear. I remember walking by the false teacher’s office and the missionary’s little girl was in the room. The false teacher had a bow with an arrow in his hands.  I felt alerted in my spirit to get the little girl out of there. I went and stood between her and the man with the bow and arrow and moved my hand upon her shoulder and told her to go out to her dad and mom. The man just froze, didn’t do anything, and I left.  The last night there, I remember crying out to the Lord in a loud audible voice to help this false teacher and his family to know the Truth and I interceded for them for a long time through tears. The next day, I got on a train again to go to the camp and it was like an eerie movie scene with hardly anyone at the train station when I arrived on a foggy night.  I looked out onto the open field and I had a vision of the antichrist and the beast getting ready to be judged and sentenced into the lake of fire.  I made it to the camp.  I stayed in a large building of apartments.  I was shown a building where varying ages of orphans were. Many were being gathered up and taken somewhere. I saw some other orphans that were being cared for by others who I felt were not Christians. I remember praying for them to come to know the Lord.   I remember going through the apartment building I was staying at later and walking into an apartment that was open with a woman and her child inside.  She offered me food and I sat down to eat and felt she helped me spiritually through her act of kindness.  Sometime during my stay, I was at a house.  I called to let Tami know I was struggling.  She let the couple who had this ministry know and they worked out an earlier flight for me to return back home. I sensed that there were two leaders that I’d met fighting in the spirit realm in this city where the camp was located and somehow I was now involved.  All I could do was pray. When I was at the camp, I was sensing a great need to share the Gospel, but got stuck in fear.  I could only watch the adults and children that were involved in activities and I didn’t know what I was to do. I remember at one point thinking that there were Christians and unbelievers fighting in the spirit realm and when I prayed in support of the Believers, those who were Christians would be faring better.  However, I felt like I had a chance to share the Gospel and I didn’t follow through knowing it would break the tension.  Then it was time to go back to the apartment.  I drove with the leader and felt he was not a safe person.  While I rode with him down the dirt road to leave, a horse walked over and stood in front of the vehicle.  I felt like GOD had sent the horse to do that because I hadn’t shared the Gospel as I should.  Needless to say, I struggled that night for my disobedience.  I took a Max Lucado book off the bookshelf entitled In the Eye of the Storm and read through it all night just to trust in JESUS through what I was experiencing in fear.  The next morning, the leader I didn’t feel safe with drove me to go to the airport.  However, he stopped at one point to go to some storage unit and got out of the vehicle.  I truly feared for my life and felt he wanted to kill me, so I prayed.  After a long while, he got back into the vehicle and took me to the airport. 

I arrived in New York.  As I exited the plane, I headed to go through security.  The man, having latex gloves on, says to me:  “How did you get through?”  I said, “I don’t know.”  He said, “I don’t know how either.”  I know, now, it was GOD who brought me through though wounded.  I met up with Tami and there was a long line.  An airport worker announced that no one else would be able to leave on any of the scheduled flights.  However, after a few minutes, someone came and told Tami and I to follow and we were allowed on our flight back to Florida. I was once again spiritually spent and wounded.  It would take me a long while to get back to normal life.  One of the days of my recuperation, I drove onto the island nearby to get out and walk awhile as I sought the Lord.  At one point, I walked out into an open field and began to feel faint, dropped down to my knees, sensed that the Spirit was leaving me, and that I wouldn’t wake up.  I cried out to the LORD and asked for HIS help and told HIM I would tell others my testimony and to turn from their sexual sin.  Immediately, the Spirit refilled me and I was strengthened again to walk back to my car and drive home.

We lived in Florida a total of 5 years and then moved back to Texas after my Grandma passed so that our kids could get to know Tami’s dad.  As we were preparing to move, a teacher I worked with gave me an envelope the last day of school.  He looked at me and said, “this is seed for the sower -consider this from GOD and not from me.”  I instantly told GOD that whatever it was that it would go to K.O.R.E. ministry.  Well, it was a few weeks prior that one of the pastors from India asked for money to buy a bike.  We prayed about it and sent him some money to buy a bike.  He wrote back and let us know he used it as a down payment on a bike which was actually a motorcycle called the “Hero” Honda.  He showed us what was still owed on it and gave us a time that it needed to be paid off before interest accrued.  I wrote back and told him I didn’t have any extra money, but that I would pray for him.  I told Tami about the teacher giving the envelope and told her that I had told GOD I would give it to K.O.R.E. ministry.  She said okay.  When I opened it, there was a check amount that would cover the full payment of the motorcycle. He uses it to travel around the rural villages to share the Gospel.

I would get another special education teaching job here in Texas.  I served in church again in children’s ministry.  Tami miscarried a daughter we named Bethany. Due to internal pain over the next few months, she went to a doctor. That hospital doctor didn’t know what was wrong, but decided to do a pregnancy test. We found out Tami was still pregnant with Bethany’s twin. Tami was sent to another hospital and she found out she had a dermoid tumor wrapping around her ovary like a pendulum squeezing it repeatedly. The ovary and tumor were removed and our daughter Jorryn was safe through it all. After 4 years of relative stability, I sought to move and help serve in the start of a church near where we were first married.  The job I got at a school was a mid management job in special education. I ended up struggling mentally and feeling overwhelmed to where I thought I couldn’t do the work. I didn’t sense GOD’s approval of me serving in the new church that was starting as well.  Then Tami’s dad died suddenly.  I quit the new job and went back to perform my father-in-law’s funeral.  I struggled again spiritually feeling as though I failed GOD and my family.  I would substitute teach in the same school district I had resigned from. Then I got a special education job in another nearby school district.  I struggled there spiritually and felt far from the Lord.  After that school year ended, I got a job in my previous school district working with emotionally disabled children.  It was the hardest job I’d had up until then.  I ended up having a mental and spiritual breakdown.  I resisted being told I needed to admit myself into the psych hospital, but eventually gave in.  I was admitted into another psych hospital in 2014 for a third time.  Once there, I chose a different mindset and decided to walk through it with faith trusting in JESUS more fully this time.  I also made the conscious choice I wouldn’t rely on Tami, but on GOD’s timing and way of doing things.  I didn’t struggle as much with eating because Tami had helped me in years prior “to eat for the salvation of your family.”  When I struggled with some of the people that were there, I thought that JESUS as the Good Shepherd was leading me. If I ate food with those who may have ill intentions toward me, Psalm 23 says He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies. I was prescribed a medicine that actually helped me and I wrote in a journal the rest of my stay at the hospital and drew closer to the Lord again.

After a time being out of the hospital and continuing to work with the emotionally disabled children, I walked by faith with greater confidence in the Lord. I was making decisions by faith and not with fear.  I was able to live with a sound mind.  However, one of the days at school, GOD laid it on my heart to get my oldest daughter out of school and bring her to Tami where we both worked. Tami talked with the administration and I was told to go home and rest.  I made some faith decisions that were made spiritually to protect my family and those I worked with.  GOD accomplished something in the Spirit that was worked out for good. I started walking home and the school police came to talk with me to check my mental state. I talked honestly and calmly with them.  I was cooperative. It ended up that I was taken to another psych hospital, was admitted a 4th time, and I didn’t resist at all.  This hospital stay, in 2015, GOD taught me how to fight the good fight in the Spirit.  I walked by faith and this time in prayer for those that were there.  I put others first. My heart was to help them.  I learned how to lay my life down. I decided to lose my life for JESUS’s sake, and by doing so I actually found my life being made whole upon leaving after this hospital stay.  Now, GOD had worked out something good in my own life bringing me victory in Christ. I’ve been walking in greater freedom, with a stronger faith, toward a clearer hope, and through a more sincere love for GOD and others ever since…  I give GOD all the praise, honor, and glory for what HE’s done in my life!!!…


What I learned from these past experiences:

As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. Proverbs 26:11

I became foolish rather than walk in victory with JESUS in the first place and then backslid into sexual sin again.

Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” John 5:14

Since I went back to sinning sexually again something way worse happened to me.

for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13

I called on the name of JESUS and satan had to leave rather than devour me. 

And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Hebrews 12:5-6

GOD, my FATHER, disciplined me out of love and for my good so I would learn to not willfully sin again and to see how utterly sinful my sin was to HIM.

Hosea 6:1

King James Version

6 Come, and let us return unto the Lord: for he hath torn, and he will heal us; he hath smitten, and he will bind us up.

It is worth it to return to the Lord for He is the only One who is able to heal and make us whole again.

Rend your heart
    and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
    and he relents from sending calamity.
Who knows? He may turn and relent
    and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
    for the Lord your God. Joel 2:13-14

Turning back to GOD in repentance allows for HIM to respond back undeservedly with grace, compassion, and love…

Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. Isaiah 55:6-7

If it wasn’t for GOD’s mercy upon me, I wouldn’t still be here.

Luke 13:1-9

Repent or Perish

Now there were some present at that time who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices. Jesus answered, “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. Or those eighteen who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them—do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in Jerusalem? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.”

Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’ “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’” 

If it were not for the Lord JESUS telling GOD the FATHER, who is the GARDENER, let Me nurture him and see if he will bear good fruit…  My life would have been cut short, yet His perfect love and compassionate care has revived my heart, restored my soul, renewed my mind, refreshed my spirit, and redeemed my very life…

At the end of that time, I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven, and my sanity was restored. Then I praised the Most High; I honored and glorified him who lives forever.  His dominion is an eternal dominion; his kingdom endures from generation to generation. Daniel 4:34

GOD also gave me back a sound mind.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

GOD’s perfect love has cast out all my fears.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18

I was sinning against my own body, therefore, dishonoring my Lord.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I became weak because I was grieving the Holy Spirit and limiting His power in me to walk in victory and in His strength to be more than a conqueror in Christ.

Psalm 51: 1-13

Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
    blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.

I have been shown mercy in order to share my testimony and be available and willing to teach transgressors GOD’s ways so that sinners will repent and turn back to the LORD…

Psalm 25:7

New International Version

7 Do not remember the sins of my youth
    and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
    for you, Lord, are good.

I found hope that GOD in HIS love and goodness, not only could forgive my sins, but also forget my sins and my rebelliousness to experience deeper spiritual wound healing…

Job 31:1

“I made a covenant with my eyes
    not to look lustfully at a young woman.

I think about and repeat this verse if there is a temptation so as to redirect my focus back on loving the Lord and choosing purity.

And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death. Revelation 12:11

I’m sharing my faith story and testimony because it helps me to have victory, become more than a conqueror in and through Christ, and overcome the enemy, satan, who has tried all my life to steal (did for a long time), kill (came close many times), and destroy (yet was prevented from doing so for GOD the FATHER showed me mercy and JESUS didn’t give up on me and saved me in the nick of time at every turn).

It took me from 1996 to 2015 to finally find true freedom in Christ where GOD gave me back peace of a sound mind and perfect love that cast out my fears.

Psalm 91

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

GOD has been faithful to do HIS part in Psalm 91 as I’ve kept seeking the Lord, telling about Him, and trusting in Him for His protection and provision…


Part of my testimony is literally found in HIS Word:

Psalm 107:10-16

10 Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
    prisoners suffering in iron chains,
11 because they rebelled against God’s commands
    and despised the plans of the Most High.
12 So he subjected them to bitter labor;
    they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
13 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he saved them from their distress.
14 He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
    and broke away their chains.
15 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
16 for he breaks down gates of bronze
    and cuts through bars of iron.


Thank you, LORD, for YOUR unfailing love and for YOUR wonderful deeds for mankind… YOU saved me out of being locked up in a psychiatric hospital 4x (as well as from the chains the enemy had bound me with and the bars of shame and guilt) for YOU delivered me and gave me freedom once again…

YOU answered many prayers, but thank you for answering the following:

I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13

You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
    but have set my feet in a spacious place. Psalm 31:8

Psalm 107:17-22

17 Some became fools through their rebellious ways
    and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
18 They loathed all food
    and drew near the gates of death.
19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he saved them from their distress.
20 He sent out his word and healed them;
    he rescued them from the grave.
21 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings
    and tell of his works with songs of joy.

Thank YOU, ABBA, FATHER, for YOUR unfailing love and for YOUR wonderful deeds for mankind.  Thank YOU for choosing to show me mercy and compassion though I did not deserve it…  Thank You, JESUS, Yeshua, for giving me more than many 2nd chances and never giving up on me until I was grounded, rooted, and established in Your perfect love and compassionate care so that I could bear good fruit…

A poem I wrote 12/28/24

Victory In Christ Through Repentance

I know to stand complete in victory by the blood of the Lamb

I know firsthand to not retreat within His victory by the Word of my testimony held in His mighty right hand

I’m a living sacrifice by becoming in word and deed relentless thereof pure and holy bought with greatest price

I’m giving advice summing up the stirred command need of repentance with love secure planned solely taught the latest by Christ

Even you can turn around, oh squanderer, head back to GOD the FATHER to discover prodigal acceptance

Even you can discern that you’ve gotten lost and need to be found, oh wanderer, call back for the Good Shepherd to leave the 99 for you to be carried back home in dependence

Even you can return from being bound, dishonorer, submit to GOD while under attack until the enemy will flee calling on JESUS’ name as you confess your sins to be forgiven and cleansed through repentance

Even you can yearn to abound, as more than a conqueror, to walk by faith and not by sight so you won’t lack until the remedy of perfect love casts out your fears as you seek to live pure and holy to be driven on mission with new vision for the Great Commission empowered by HIS Spirit while abiding in His Presence

***Reach out anytime if you need a mentor, a counselor, an intercessor, or just one who will stand in the gap as you seek to repent from sexual sin…

I also have a heart to help those with mental illness, trauma, and/or abuse…

Ministry Email: kingvision1717@gmail.com

Love in Christ,

Jeff

Bible To Life shares some verses on sexual immorality that may bring conviction to our lives that is meant to cause us to confess our sin, receive forgiveness from GOD who will cleanse us from all unrighteousness, turn away from our sexual sin by renewing our minds on Truth and hiding HIS Word in our hearts so we won’t sin against HIM, and set new boundaries to keep us from entertaining sexual thoughts/imaginations and from viewing anything that is a sexual temptation. We may have to confess our sins often especially in the area of thoughts and imagination daily and pray making requests for a pure heart, pure eyes, pure imagination, and pure thoughts with thanksgiving for GOD’s ability to make it so until HE delivers us and creates within us the purity we desperately need.

Sexual sin is defined in the Word of GOD to reveal the boundaries we must keep in our relationship with ABBA, FATHER, our Lord and Savior JESUS, and the Holy Spirit. If we stray into partaking of sexual temptation and willfully sin sexually in these ways, it separates us from living pure and holy for GOD and from being in a close knit bond we’re meant to have in GOD. JESUS stated that even if we look at another with lust, we have committed adultery in our hearts. We must take sexual sin seriously and choose to confess even the thought/imagination and repent turning away to flee from every temptation. We choose to live pure to be secure in Christ to bring praise, honor, and glory to ABBA, FATHER…

Steps to Freedom in Christ from Being Stuck in Sexual Sin

  1. Confess your sin to GOD and HE will forgive your sin and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
  2. Pray through Psalm 51 as often as needed for GOD to create in you a pure heart and to have pure thoughts, pure imagination, and pure eyes.
  3. Repent by turning away from looking lustfully at videos, T.V. shows, movies, magazines, internet sites that cause temptation.
  4. Keep the marriage bed pure. Hebrews 13:4 If desiring intimacy and your spouse is not open to it, go into prayer mode willing to set aside your own desires. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5
  5. Flee from sexual immorality with others outside of marriage (between man/woman)
  6. Renew your mind on the Truth of GOD’s Word to purify your thoughts.
  7. Pray that GOD would be a shield about you and your home. Pray that GOD would protect you from sexually immoral thoughts and imaginations especially for when you’re asleep and most vulnerable.
  8. When you see someone attractive, tell GOD “I have made a covenant with my eyes to not look lustfully at for he/she is YOURS, not mine, and pray for the person to be blessed and protected in HIS love and care.
  9. Confess sin to one another and be healed. A righteous man’s prayer is powerful and effective. James 5:16
  10. It is good to have an accountability partner who will pray for you and encourage you to walk on the narrow path that leads to life…
  11. Make it your mantra: “Protect men, women, and children with Purity”
  12. Choose to “Live pure to be secure…

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